Searching my way to perplexion

The shittiest thing of all when it comes to my shoulder is that I now have to have yearly check ups with my orthopedist to go over my shoulder health. Which is always a fun time. The last time I went in, he brought in two other doctors to listen to his spiel of telling me what I can and cannot do, and that while I am his "most ambitious" patient, I am also the most stubborn and willing to tear my freshly fixed shoulder back apart. Nothing like being a 30-year old woman getting chastised like a little kid. With an audience.

It also means that having been prescribed Celebrex for my arthritis, I also HAVE to go in for a yearly physical complete with bloodwork to make sure it's not killing me. Well, not really, it's to make sure the long term use of an anti-inflammatory isn't negatively affecting my kidney function. This is always a crappy time for me, because I have pretty bad white coat syndrome and I HATE medical needles. So while I know with the orthopedist I'm just going to get yelled at, my BP is normal. At the regular doctor knowing I have to get blood drawn, it skyrockets. But I do check my BP at home, and I'm normal.

I'm pleased to report that my bloodwork results designate me as normal. My old lady pills haven't done anything other than keep me from feeling like an old lady! I take a multi-vitamin, Celebrex and glucosmine chondroitin, and they do all help, but I also try not to take the old lady ones every day. I usually don't take anything Saturday or Sunday so I don't get too used to them. So the big deadlift sessions I do on Saturdays are done straight up on my old lady shoulder. Do I notice a difference? Yes, a little, but more so when it comes to post-workout. I feel less sore in my joints, my muscles still get sore.

Anyway, as you can see below, I am perfectly "normal"!

I know I'm with 'em but I ain't like them!

Piggy back onto the last post.

One of the biggest mental hurdles of a long term injury is dealing with changes in your physical appearance. Believe it or not, not being able to do anything overhead (other than snatches) or any chest work has a negative affect on the waist line. It's hard to deal with. Especially being in a position I'm in with the gym. It makes you really have to focus on your diet.

Which of course brings me to my next problem. I love to lift heavy shit. I'm no longer looking to be my old fight weight. Heavy lifting = hungry. I can honestly say that I feel about as strong as I did before surgery. I can deadlift the same, my squat isn't quite where it was but it's coming along, and all other accessory lifts are where they were. I'm training more abs and core than I used to as well, so even though I had more muscles showing, I sure as shit wasn't as strong. And I can still run a 5k, albeit a minute slower per mile, I can still do it. The only thing I really shy away from is rowing (on a rower, not like dumbbell rows - those I love). I had a cortisone shot back in October of last year, and while I know rowing wasn't the cause of my problems, it was the last exercise I did before the cortisone wore off and I had excruciating pain. So I don't row.

Power Belly for the Win!

What is my point exactly? Last year at Nationals I weighed in at an even 53kg (116lbs) fully clothed, without trying. My fight weight was 102/105. While I looked great, it was awful to maintain. I am currently between 118-122. That's the most I've weighed since Doug and I got married. I can say that even though I'm the heaviest I've been in 7+ years, I am also the strongest I've been yet still have endurance. While it is hard to get past that I may "ride a little dirty" with a slight belly, eff it. I'm at a point now where I'm more concerned with how strong I am, being thankful for the exercises and things I can still do, and simply enjoying the process and journey. Don't get me wrong, I still kinda sort of count my macros, but I don't sweat anything that slips in my diet.

For reference, here are my squat and deadlift weights at each phase:

• 102-110lbs body weight: squat = 145, deadlift = 175
• 112-116lbs body weight: squat = 165, deadlift = 185
• 118+ body weight: squat  = 200, deadlift = 215

I think that says enough. Did I mention I can still run and sprint? And am getting very close to testing myself on a 10:00 set of snatches? Ok, it's only on the 8kg, but I gotta start somewhere.

Nationals last year. Last fight weigh in and face punch.

I guess my moral of today's story is this: figure out your goals and have fun reaching them, be happy with what you can do, and don't stress so much on how you look. And have a damned cookie or donut once in a while, it won't kill you and maybe it'll help you reach a PR on a lift or a run.

Or you laugh hoping for an escape

Being injured for an extended period of time is hard. It's hard both physically and mentally. In a sense, being injured does help you realize how tough you are and can be. Rehab exercises can be mentally draining and the repetitive nature of them makes you want to scream. At least once a week I wish I could be done with them, but I know I never will be and that as much as I sometimes hate them, I need them.

Another plus, it puts you more in tune with your body. I woke up last week feeling unbelievably fatigued and unmotivated. My squats at 135 last week felt heavy. Hell, my deadlifts at 95lbs felt like 200. I lifted Monday and Tuesday, and then rested pretty much all week other than my rehab exercises. I've been working my ass off on regaining a lot of lost strength, and my body simply needed a rest. And that's ok. You can't PR every week. I also inflamed my bursa which felt awful, but nothing some ice and rest couldn't help.

It's also a mental game and at times, a complete mental mindf$ck. Sometimes my shoulder will pop so hard I have to sit down. It doesn't hurt per se, but it's startling. It makes a "da-dunk-dunk" sound akin to driving over railroad tracks. In everything I do, I wonder what affect it has on my shoulder. With the Glenoid Dysplasia being degenerative in its nature, and adding in all the things I do, I often wonder what exactly am I doing to my shoulder? Am I tearing the cartilage again? Am I creating more bone spurs? What about the bone on bone wear I already have? How long do I have before I need this one replaced? It's hard not to think about it. More often than not, I acknowledge it, make sure what I'm currently doing isn't causing any pain or discomfort, if it is I fix it or stop doing whatever it is, and then go about my business.

I still have a hard time coming to terms with certain things. Like not doing push-ups. EVER. Yeah, I can sorta do one to get off of the ground, and maybe demo one once in a great while. Burpees. Yeah, burpees. The things I would do to be able to do a burpee. Pretty much any "press" or "push" type movement is out of the picture, forever. Oh, me hitting the bag the other week? Terrible idea. It didn't hurt doing it, but the next day I felt like I'd been hit in the back and shoulder blade region with a baseball bat. Those sprawls I did last Friday? That was incredibly dumb. Felt the shoulder bones clang together. Really, I did, and it was gross. But, I have come to terms that my shoulder, lats and pec will be tight forever. That I will need to do soft tissue work before and after every workout, and I will need to ice everything several times a week forever. I will say, any soreness I have now is mostly muscle related, not in the actual joint anymore.

The downside, if you call it that, is I am incredibly apathetic to excuses or lack of not wanting to do certain exercises. (For those of you who I know are truly injured, this doesn't pertain to you.) Until you literally cannot do something for the rest of your life, you'll never know how much you'll miss it. It makes me angry when people don't try and jump straight to the word "CAN'T". "CAN'T" shouldn't in your vocabulary unless there is something terribly wrong. In that case, physical therapy or getting a doctor's opinion may be a wiser choice than pushing through a workout. For perspective, I completed a biathlon set last August on a torn, bone on bone shoulder. Was it smart? Decidedly not. Did I know the severity of my injury? No. Was I too damn stubborn to quit? Yes. I set out to prove only that I could do it for MYSELF, no one else. I knew going into the competition that my shoulder was jacked up and I likely wouldn't be lifting for a long time, so I made damn sure it couldn't and that I wouldn't set the bell down - the only way that thing would leave my hands early is if I dropped or lost it. Of course not realizing that I still wouldn't be able to do a serious kettlebell sport set a year later. Maybe I'm tougher than most, maybe that's from fighting or not being babied growing up. I'm not saying work through terrible injuries - you need to know your limits - but if possible, TRY. Giving up without TRYING or because you are unable to complete an exercise in it's proper form YET is only cheating yourself. And remember, YET is far different than CAN'T.

There are a ton of exercises I hate, but I do them, or I did some them when I was able. You'll never know how much you'll miss doing a certain movement until you really cannot do them ever again.

Sometimes Something Calls a Man to Run

The shoulder saga...I'm ready to figure out the next step.

I started PT Monday, March 23. I'm going to Architech in Ballantyne for a number of reasons. They have a program just for baseball. Lots of baseball players injure their shoulders. So that means they have a ton of experience with working on messed up shoulders. And they also have a womens specific program aimed at women who lift and workout and all the problems that come along with our anatomy. There were also several people there at each appointment who were post-op for various injuries, just like me. Therefore, I am confident I chose the correct place for physical therapy.

Had my first post-op appointment on Friday, March 27. Got a clearer picture of what my future entails. The good news is that tbey didn't have to anchor my labrum, so only 12 weeks of PT, not 24. Just trimmed it up, and it should be ok for a while. Bad news is, the nice protective "teflon" coating on the top of my humerus (arm bone), is gone. So I've got some nice bone on bone action. They knew it would be worn and were hoping it would still look kind of hairy, but it's not (of course). What does this mean exactly...in 10 years or so (hopefully later), I will have to get the top of my arm redone. Not just cleaned up again, but replaced as a "humeral head replacement". They essentially remove the head of the humerus and insert a metal component into the bone shaft that has a new ball on the top. And after another 15 years, I'll need the socket done since metal on bone don't work very well together long term. Somehow the stupid socket that's causing this still looks ok. And I got my bone spurs taken off too, which according to the PT was probably the main cause of my shoulder pain. The spurs caused the joint capsule to have even less space for everything to move around.

This is the immediate future of my shoulder, the humeral replacement.

As far as working out, PT told me to take it easy the first 2 weeks. All I did the first week was walk the dogs and my PT stuff. And ice. Lots of ice. This week I've gotten back to some body weight work, bike work and have used the dip belt to add some weight for squats and lunges. When I do my rehab exercises on my own, I feel fine, but after each appointment, I leave very sore and it seems to get worse as the day goes on. Not painful, just sore, because nothing beats having someone else move your joint in a way it doesn't want to. Yes, it NEEDS to move that way, but it doesn't mean I like it. And I haven't really used my shoulders since, oh...August.

I do have a lot to think about the next several months. I was told by the doctor to never do any pressing movements again. No chest press (flat or incline), no push-ups and no shoulder press. Which means I'll never be able to do jerks or long cycle. I can demo them. I cannot do them. I did show him video of snatches, and he said if it's absolutely necessary that I do them, I can, it'll just cause everything to wear out at a much faster rate. I've been joking I'll treat my refurbished shoulder like a rental car since it'll be replaced in about a decade anyway, but I'm not sure giving up time is worth it. Nothing will be as "good" as what I have now, and is only getting 10 years out of it better than 15? I'm not sure. Are those 5 years worth competing? Maybe. Only time will tell. Then again, will I regret not competing and sitting on the sidelines forever? There is no clear cut answer.

Here's the stupid shoulder. Top Left: back side of the tear; that thing that looks like a chunk to the left of the tube is he tear. Top Right: not sure, but there's a lot going on. Bottom Left: all that white furry stuff is the nice protective coating, it looks a little worn, but it's still pretty white. Bottom Right: the top of my humerus where you can see the the bone is already exposed.

At this point I'm just stuck in no man's land. My shoulder is very crunchy sounding still with certain movements, and it's just unsettling. It sucks. Sucks like "up shit creek without a paddle". I keep thinking maybe I'll do snatch only next year and compete twice next year at nationals and worlds then "retire", but part of me is very nervous. It's always a risk training for something, but even more so now. My physical therapist thinks it's entirely possible to compete again, we need to get all of the muscles in and around the shoulder to fire completely and without any hitches. We'll see what the next 10 weeks of rehab work brings.

Countdown to March 19th

I go in for arthroscopic shoulder surgery on March 19th. I was nervous, now I've just accepted it for what it is. There was the fear that even with the surgery, there's a very real possibility I may not ever be able to lift again, let alone do push-ups. But, I then realized that it doesn't change anything currently. I'm not lifting above my head right now, and if surgery can't remedy that, it's not making a huge difference in my life than what I've been dealing with since September. Slightly pessimistic I know, but if they can make it so I can reach my seatbelt instead of flinging my entire body towards the door to reach it, that's a plus. If it helps me put dishes away and reach clothes on the top shelf of my closet without it feeling like my shoulder's going to pop out and not make the awesome crunchy sounds it does right now, that's a lot better than I'm doing now.

However...I'm going to do my best to prove the overly cautious doctor wrong. Step 1: regain full mobility. Step 2: regain strength. Step 3: do a friggin push-up. Step 4: swing a damn bell. Just as I've posted on Facebook today, there are 2 types of people. I can't worry about the what-ifs, should-haves, etc. My shoulder is what it is. Obviously doing PT for the next year will be a change. My workouts will be completely different, as they already are. But, I can't let these changes run my life or change my goals. It will merely keep me from reaching them sooner.

Yesterday's mail contained my fancy packet of information regarding surgery. I go in Thursday, March 19th. I am expected to start physical therapy 2-3 days post-op. I know it's going to be a struggle, and painful, and great, and the hardest thing I've ever done. As the doctor said, this is a life changing surgery. I just hope it makes me a better person, athlete and coach. Not the 29, almost 30 year old who has accepted a life without push-ups, pressing anything overhead or lifting a kettlebell.

As for the surgery, seems pretty straight forward. Trim torn piece labrum, insert anchors to use sutures to reattach labrum. Makes me a little queasy thinking about them drilling anchors into my bone, but hopefully it works. And works well. It's got some work to do afterwards.

Some images for you.

Surgical folder. Everything I need. Phone numbers, addresses, instructions, etc.

Step by step diagrams of the repair itself. Photos from MMG, LLC.

This will leave me a bit more time to update this, so I will be writing more than I have been. We'll see how this goes.

Shoulder

I wanted to leave this off the gym blog so I'm not taking up a huge space on there.

***Disclaimer: in no way is my shoulder issue a direct result of lifting heavy.***

I'm sure most know my shoulder has been the bane of my existence since May of last year. I should have gotten it looked at sooner, but deep down I knew something was wrong and didn't want to start a course of treatment when I also knew I'd be changing jobs. So, like a typical sane person, I still trained to compete at Nationals for the AKA in August of last year. I had Mark help keep me patched up until I got insurance at the new job. Right after Nationals, I took two weeks off, tried to lift again, and had to stop because the bad days were out numbering the good.

Fast forward to October. New insurance, and I went directly to OrthoCarolina. X-rays showed tiny bone spurs and the doctor diagnosed me with frozen shoulder, but obviously no soft tissue damage was seen because it's an X-ray. They gave me a cortisone shot to help free up the "frozen" shoulder. Which really did free up my shoulder since it was very stiff to protect the real injury. I went back to PT with Mark for 6 weeks. The first 4 weeks saw great progress, and I felt amazing. I wish I could have felt like that every day! I was pain free, had great range of motion, and I was so excited that a kettlebell was waiting for me right around the corner. Then week 5 barely had any progress, and week 6 was back to pain. Because apparently rowing causes me severe pain. Mark did some range of motion tests that last week, which put me in tears both because they hurt and because I knew what was going to happen next. Except I wasn't fully prepared for the findings. Back to OrthoCarolina where they determined I had earned my way to an MRI. If you could have seen me roll my eyes.

MRI came back, and the original doctor I saw gave me a wishy-washy explanation. So I went back for a second opinion, and this guy didn't sugar coat shit. Which is what I needed. I wasn't at a specialist for a list of what I could possibly do about my shoulder, I was there for answers.

Official diagnosis. I have glenoid dysplasia, a torn labrum (soft tissue that deepens the socket and suctions your arm to your shoulder), bone spurs and the start of arthritis (they put me at a 3 on a scale of 10 for arthritis). The glenoid dysplasia was a result of....can you guess? Not from lifting, but how I developed and grew. My shoulder socket is flatter than it should be, causing the head of my humerus to sit back farther than normal, creating more stress at the back of the shoulder until it literally can't take it and tears (I even have images down below). The arthritis is from the same thing. The bone spurs are a result of my "arthritis". All connected.

Normal shoulder. The shoulder looks like a golf ball and tee. Nice and round, sits really nicely. The labrum (white semi-circle) is all even, no little fragments hanging off. (Photo credit to owner)

My shoulder. My socket is pretty flat, almost round. The humerus doesn't fit in at all. The labrum is all out of way and uneven. And the black arrow at the bottom under the "tee" shows a little white sliver directly to the right of the bone - that would be my tear.

Glenoid dysplasia from great to not great. So as far as I can tell, I'm somewhere between mild and moderate. On the images I've seen of the severe cases, it looks like half the bone is missing, so I know I'm not that bad off. (Photo credit to owner)

This is a severe case (photo credit to owner);

What does all this mean? No PT or OT will help. This is purely a surgical case. I was also told, even post-surgery, to never do "pressing" movements again. No push-ups, no shoulder press, no chests press. Not even overhead work - no pull-ups or chin-ups. And that regardless of whether or not I continue or stop working out after I get it fixed, I'd eventually need a shoulder replacement. They even said no matter what activity I had chosen, it would have torn at some point - the only way it would have never torn is if I had never worked out. Obviously, this was distressing to hear. Then Doug and I got to thinking. There has to be way to overcome this workout death sentence.

To the internet. There is very little information when it comes to recovery from surgery for labrum tears due to glenoid dysplasia. But, I have found articles where rugby players and wrestlers have made full recoveries and went back to playing their respective sports. So, I have hope I can one day lift overhead again. Will ever be able to really heavy? Probably not. Will I ever be able to do jerks again? I'm not sure. BUT, a kettlebell snatch is an extension of the swing, not a pressing motion. I'm holding out a cautious optimism that I can snatch again, even if I have to max out at the 16kg.

I have an email out to what I've found to be the best spots specific rehab and PT place in Charlotte to see if they can help me after surgery. After that, I get to make the call I dread. To OrthoCarolina to schedule my shoulder surgery.

So, here's some images to remind of where I was, what I can do with a stupid shoulder and pretty severe injury, and where I hope to get again. And hopefully to inspire you that you can do anything, even if it fucking hurts like hell.

Here's to hoping I'll see you all again on the platform in 2 years!

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