What it takes, who I am, where I've been belong

This goes for everything in life. Ignore it, and it withers. Water it, and it flourishes. Why is this a big deal? Because sometimes all it takes is tiny breakthrough to make a difference. Obviously, I'm speaking in terms of my shoulder. I can either focus on what I cannot do, or just do what I can. And the reality is, no one cares about what you can or cannot more than you. If anyone does who is not your trainer or medical provider, they really need to find something else to focus on.

Lately, it's been feeling amazing. Minimal pain, minimal strange popping, minimal soreness after working it. It's only taken 7.5 months post surgery to get to this point. And I like to think the progress I've seen lately and so suddenly is because I've added in light dumbbell chest presses to "negate" all the pulling movements I do. You know, me doing more of what I'm not supposed to be.

Two weeks ago, when it was feeling ridiculously good, I snatched the 16kg for 3 reps each hand, and then 5 more reps each hand. It felt so freaking amazing. I woke up the following morning with only my rhomboids hurting due to snatching heavier weight than I've been able to for over a year. What does all that mean? It's given me confidence I haven't had a long time. And hope. Hope that I can continue to prove my doctor wrong. That I don't have to give up on one day being able to compete for Team USA. Just like a slow cooker, I'm working low and slow. Gotta build up slowly, I'm in a marathon to get to where I was, not a sprint.

Rhomboid

I was able to snatch the 16kg for a few reps again last week, and again with no pain other than muscle soreness. Which is amazing. Especially when I have no pain in the front of my shoulder. I'm hoping to stave that off as long as possible because that means I'll have to stop. And I don't want to. But, enough of that shit. This renewed confidence gave me the balls to try a 10:00 snatch set on the 8kg. It's pretty laughable considering where I was and how much I currently lift, but A) to be able to do a full set on any weight is a huge step for me, B) I was able to do the set with no joint pain during, after or even the next day, and C) I was able to pace each minute, and slow down where necessary - which means I was able to hold the bell overhead for a few longer lengths with no pain. All things considered, I'm very happy. Like, very very happy. Check it out:

Yeah, it's the 8kg, but everyone needs to start somewhere. And I'm happy to even be able to restart.

Oh the wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'

Since getting the wing cleaned up, rehab exercises and warming up rule anything and everything in the gym right now. Want to deadlift? Better take 30-60 minutes rolling, stretching, mashing and moving first. Want to run? Same thing. Squat? I'm sure by now you can guess the trend. I do the "speciality" exercises 3 times week - 2 shorter, quicker days, and 1 longer one. I have a bunch of movements I do and can choose from - though I still get bored with them. When that happens, I try to figure out a different way to do an exercise to make it different. Since I'm not technically supposed to be using much of my pec and delts in pressing movements, everything is aimed at strengthening my shoulder blades and upper back. Rows, rows, and more rows. I have 4 different variations of rows that I do, and usually 2 types in one session.

What does my typical shoulder specific workout look like? This is pretty typical, and has been done on both shorter or longer days.

Warm-up: roll on a lacrosse ball against a wall, roll on a foam roller on the floor, roll on lacrosse ball on the floor (which is as fun as it sounds), stretch a few minutes (very short time in warm-up), and some rows with resistance tubing around a squat rack upright - this takes about 15-20 minutes.

Actual workout - about 20-30 minutes depending on how many times through:

15 of each T's & W's on a ball with 2lb weights, 5 second count

15 TRX rows

20 sets row plank

15 Eccentric Rows

20 sets HIAS plank

15 each hand kettlebell snatch

Finish with 10 minutes of rolling, and 5-10 more minutes stretching. I spend more time stretching post-workout since the muscles are loosened up at this point.

You may scoff at the 2lb weights, but those 2 movements are awful. I wish at least once a week while doing them that I never have to do them again.

The T's and W's, regular TRX rows, row plank, and snatches are done pretty much in every session. I rotate the others out for variety and how I'm feeling that day. If I feel shaky during the row plank, I'll bypass the HIAS plank; if I'm feeling really good, I'll do Eccentric Rows AND W Rows and also increase the kettlebell weight each round. I know, exciting stuff.

Due to all of this specialized fun-ness, my "shoulder" is always tight. Well, not my shoulder joint, but the muscles around it are always tight. Not sore, just spent. But, I'd rather have that than my shoulder crunching, grinding and popping all the time. Also, I'm pretty sure my upper back is much stronger than most people's at the point.

Here's my typical week:

Monday: 2 rounds of rehab stuff, squats, bi's and tri's and other assistance work. I do not do cardio on Monday's or Friday's. Lately squats have been super awesome for me, and they make me ravenous - adding cardio on top of that would make me eat even more like a 14 year old boy. Doug is already trying to gain weight for Dublin and is eating a ton of food, that would also not be wise for our grocery bill. And, squats take way more energy out of me than deadlifts.

Tuesday: AM Deadlifts, back and ab work. PM 20-30 minutes of cardio.

Wednesday: AM 3 rounds of rehab stuff. PM cardio or 5k run.

Thursday: AM only and normally something very low impact - spin bike, row, etc., abs and a good amount of time stretching

Friday: Squats, bi's and tri's, and other assistance work.
Saturday: 2 rounds rehab stuff, followed deadlifts and usually some nastier cardio

Sunday: off

I space out the rehab work so it's not every other day. I did that when I first started PT, and it killed me! I've never been so sore! So that extra day at the end of the week and taking Sunday completely off helps tremendously.

I try to have everyone I work with on kettlebells to do some of these movements during training as they help tremendously with the pull. I even force Doug into doing some of these as well - can't lift heavy shit without paying attention to the small shit.

This ain't no place for no hero

September 19th marked 6 months post-surgery on my shoulder. For the most part, I'm happy with my progress. It's hard to not rush anything. I can also say the few times I did push too hard, I HURT the next day. I don't mean just sore muscles. But this deep, inner ache - nothing terrible, just really annoying. It's not anything ice and a few days off won't fix, but man, it sucks to hurt deeply.

It's weird being as young as I am and having to be so careful doing certain things. And not just working out things, but daily movements. The ability to be carefree and be able to simply just DO something overhead is gone. Want to put those plates that in the dishwasher away? Certainly not as easy as it once was! Want to put that shopping bag up on the counter? Haha! Think again - although I can partly blame that on height! Want to hit a bag? No matter how light the punches are, you'll need take the entire next week off from working out. Seriously.

I've started to add in movements that I've either avoided or am not sure I'm really supposed to be doing. Why? You can't let fear rule your life. And to avoid something that causes minimal discomfort is being a coward. What do I mean? I've started rowing on the erg here and there. Never fast, at a high resistance or for long. A few 250m rows and 500m rows mixed into some metcons has been a great change from either biking or running. The full range of a pull without any heavy weight is probably good for me too. Rowing only sucks because it sets my shoulder blades on fire - not a bad thing, but from all the PT stuff I do they get tired quickly. Last week I played around with some band-assisted pull-ups. Again, more pulling with A LOT of assistance. I'm not sure about chin-ups because of the internal rotation, but pull-ups with as much assistance as I used and a very controlled ascent and descent didn't hurt at all. No crunching or grinding either.

I do have goals set for myself, but have not relegated myself to a timeline. I have literally to move day-by-day and see how I feel that day to plan I can do. I'm no longer in a place where I can plan my entire week's workouts. I have good and bad days, but mostly good days and way more pain free days than I've had in the last year, so that if I did set dates to far out in the future to complete something to, I'd most likely fail at reaching it.

Since I'm talking about goals, here they are, in no particular order of importance:

• Deadlift 225
• Deadlift 245 - because I want to lift the hundred pound plates
• Squat 200 for reps
• Squat over 200
• Complete 10 minute snatch sets on the 8, 10 and 12kgs
• Compete internationally for kettlebells
• A powerlifting competition - yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to bench, but I have a theory - my shoulder slips forward, so if I'm on a bench AND wear a bench shirt, it might just work

I'm sure more will pop up along the way, but these are good for now. I also have to remind myself it's ok if these aren't met. My shoulder is indeed stupid, so I'm just trying to see where it'll take me.

I posted the image of my MRI a while back, but here it is again. Let's see where I can go and what I can do.

Searching my way to perplexion

The shittiest thing of all when it comes to my shoulder is that I now have to have yearly check ups with my orthopedist to go over my shoulder health. Which is always a fun time. The last time I went in, he brought in two other doctors to listen to his spiel of telling me what I can and cannot do, and that while I am his "most ambitious" patient, I am also the most stubborn and willing to tear my freshly fixed shoulder back apart. Nothing like being a 30-year old woman getting chastised like a little kid. With an audience.

It also means that having been prescribed Celebrex for my arthritis, I also HAVE to go in for a yearly physical complete with bloodwork to make sure it's not killing me. Well, not really, it's to make sure the long term use of an anti-inflammatory isn't negatively affecting my kidney function. This is always a crappy time for me, because I have pretty bad white coat syndrome and I HATE medical needles. So while I know with the orthopedist I'm just going to get yelled at, my BP is normal. At the regular doctor knowing I have to get blood drawn, it skyrockets. But I do check my BP at home, and I'm normal.

I'm pleased to report that my bloodwork results designate me as normal. My old lady pills haven't done anything other than keep me from feeling like an old lady! I take a multi-vitamin, Celebrex and glucosmine chondroitin, and they do all help, but I also try not to take the old lady ones every day. I usually don't take anything Saturday or Sunday so I don't get too used to them. So the big deadlift sessions I do on Saturdays are done straight up on my old lady shoulder. Do I notice a difference? Yes, a little, but more so when it comes to post-workout. I feel less sore in my joints, my muscles still get sore.

Anyway, as you can see below, I am perfectly "normal"!

I know I'm with 'em but I ain't like them!

Piggy back onto the last post.

One of the biggest mental hurdles of a long term injury is dealing with changes in your physical appearance. Believe it or not, not being able to do anything overhead (other than snatches) or any chest work has a negative affect on the waist line. It's hard to deal with. Especially being in a position I'm in with the gym. It makes you really have to focus on your diet.

Which of course brings me to my next problem. I love to lift heavy shit. I'm no longer looking to be my old fight weight. Heavy lifting = hungry. I can honestly say that I feel about as strong as I did before surgery. I can deadlift the same, my squat isn't quite where it was but it's coming along, and all other accessory lifts are where they were. I'm training more abs and core than I used to as well, so even though I had more muscles showing, I sure as shit wasn't as strong. And I can still run a 5k, albeit a minute slower per mile, I can still do it. The only thing I really shy away from is rowing (on a rower, not like dumbbell rows - those I love). I had a cortisone shot back in October of last year, and while I know rowing wasn't the cause of my problems, it was the last exercise I did before the cortisone wore off and I had excruciating pain. So I don't row.

Power Belly for the Win!

What is my point exactly? Last year at Nationals I weighed in at an even 53kg (116lbs) fully clothed, without trying. My fight weight was 102/105. While I looked great, it was awful to maintain. I am currently between 118-122. That's the most I've weighed since Doug and I got married. I can say that even though I'm the heaviest I've been in 7+ years, I am also the strongest I've been yet still have endurance. While it is hard to get past that I may "ride a little dirty" with a slight belly, eff it. I'm at a point now where I'm more concerned with how strong I am, being thankful for the exercises and things I can still do, and simply enjoying the process and journey. Don't get me wrong, I still kinda sort of count my macros, but I don't sweat anything that slips in my diet.

For reference, here are my squat and deadlift weights at each phase:

• 102-110lbs body weight: squat = 145, deadlift = 175
• 112-116lbs body weight: squat = 165, deadlift = 185
• 118+ body weight: squat  = 200, deadlift = 215

I think that says enough. Did I mention I can still run and sprint? And am getting very close to testing myself on a 10:00 set of snatches? Ok, it's only on the 8kg, but I gotta start somewhere.

Nationals last year. Last fight weigh in and face punch.

I guess my moral of today's story is this: figure out your goals and have fun reaching them, be happy with what you can do, and don't stress so much on how you look. And have a damned cookie or donut once in a while, it won't kill you and maybe it'll help you reach a PR on a lift or a run.

Or you laugh hoping for an escape

Being injured for an extended period of time is hard. It's hard both physically and mentally. In a sense, being injured does help you realize how tough you are and can be. Rehab exercises can be mentally draining and the repetitive nature of them makes you want to scream. At least once a week I wish I could be done with them, but I know I never will be and that as much as I sometimes hate them, I need them.

Another plus, it puts you more in tune with your body. I woke up last week feeling unbelievably fatigued and unmotivated. My squats at 135 last week felt heavy. Hell, my deadlifts at 95lbs felt like 200. I lifted Monday and Tuesday, and then rested pretty much all week other than my rehab exercises. I've been working my ass off on regaining a lot of lost strength, and my body simply needed a rest. And that's ok. You can't PR every week. I also inflamed my bursa which felt awful, but nothing some ice and rest couldn't help.

It's also a mental game and at times, a complete mental mindf$ck. Sometimes my shoulder will pop so hard I have to sit down. It doesn't hurt per se, but it's startling. It makes a "da-dunk-dunk" sound akin to driving over railroad tracks. In everything I do, I wonder what affect it has on my shoulder. With the Glenoid Dysplasia being degenerative in its nature, and adding in all the things I do, I often wonder what exactly am I doing to my shoulder? Am I tearing the cartilage again? Am I creating more bone spurs? What about the bone on bone wear I already have? How long do I have before I need this one replaced? It's hard not to think about it. More often than not, I acknowledge it, make sure what I'm currently doing isn't causing any pain or discomfort, if it is I fix it or stop doing whatever it is, and then go about my business.

I still have a hard time coming to terms with certain things. Like not doing push-ups. EVER. Yeah, I can sorta do one to get off of the ground, and maybe demo one once in a great while. Burpees. Yeah, burpees. The things I would do to be able to do a burpee. Pretty much any "press" or "push" type movement is out of the picture, forever. Oh, me hitting the bag the other week? Terrible idea. It didn't hurt doing it, but the next day I felt like I'd been hit in the back and shoulder blade region with a baseball bat. Those sprawls I did last Friday? That was incredibly dumb. Felt the shoulder bones clang together. Really, I did, and it was gross. But, I have come to terms that my shoulder, lats and pec will be tight forever. That I will need to do soft tissue work before and after every workout, and I will need to ice everything several times a week forever. I will say, any soreness I have now is mostly muscle related, not in the actual joint anymore.

The downside, if you call it that, is I am incredibly apathetic to excuses or lack of not wanting to do certain exercises. (For those of you who I know are truly injured, this doesn't pertain to you.) Until you literally cannot do something for the rest of your life, you'll never know how much you'll miss it. It makes me angry when people don't try and jump straight to the word "CAN'T". "CAN'T" shouldn't in your vocabulary unless there is something terribly wrong. In that case, physical therapy or getting a doctor's opinion may be a wiser choice than pushing through a workout. For perspective, I completed a biathlon set last August on a torn, bone on bone shoulder. Was it smart? Decidedly not. Did I know the severity of my injury? No. Was I too damn stubborn to quit? Yes. I set out to prove only that I could do it for MYSELF, no one else. I knew going into the competition that my shoulder was jacked up and I likely wouldn't be lifting for a long time, so I made damn sure it couldn't and that I wouldn't set the bell down - the only way that thing would leave my hands early is if I dropped or lost it. Of course not realizing that I still wouldn't be able to do a serious kettlebell sport set a year later. Maybe I'm tougher than most, maybe that's from fighting or not being babied growing up. I'm not saying work through terrible injuries - you need to know your limits - but if possible, TRY. Giving up without TRYING or because you are unable to complete an exercise in it's proper form YET is only cheating yourself. And remember, YET is far different than CAN'T.

There are a ton of exercises I hate, but I do them, or I did some them when I was able. You'll never know how much you'll miss doing a certain movement until you really cannot do them ever again.

Sometimes Something Calls a Man to Run

The shoulder saga...I'm ready to figure out the next step.

I started PT Monday, March 23. I'm going to Architech in Ballantyne for a number of reasons. They have a program just for baseball. Lots of baseball players injure their shoulders. So that means they have a ton of experience with working on messed up shoulders. And they also have a womens specific program aimed at women who lift and workout and all the problems that come along with our anatomy. There were also several people there at each appointment who were post-op for various injuries, just like me. Therefore, I am confident I chose the correct place for physical therapy.

Had my first post-op appointment on Friday, March 27. Got a clearer picture of what my future entails. The good news is that tbey didn't have to anchor my labrum, so only 12 weeks of PT, not 24. Just trimmed it up, and it should be ok for a while. Bad news is, the nice protective "teflon" coating on the top of my humerus (arm bone), is gone. So I've got some nice bone on bone action. They knew it would be worn and were hoping it would still look kind of hairy, but it's not (of course). What does this mean exactly...in 10 years or so (hopefully later), I will have to get the top of my arm redone. Not just cleaned up again, but replaced as a "humeral head replacement". They essentially remove the head of the humerus and insert a metal component into the bone shaft that has a new ball on the top. And after another 15 years, I'll need the socket done since metal on bone don't work very well together long term. Somehow the stupid socket that's causing this still looks ok. And I got my bone spurs taken off too, which according to the PT was probably the main cause of my shoulder pain. The spurs caused the joint capsule to have even less space for everything to move around.

This is the immediate future of my shoulder, the humeral replacement.

As far as working out, PT told me to take it easy the first 2 weeks. All I did the first week was walk the dogs and my PT stuff. And ice. Lots of ice. This week I've gotten back to some body weight work, bike work and have used the dip belt to add some weight for squats and lunges. When I do my rehab exercises on my own, I feel fine, but after each appointment, I leave very sore and it seems to get worse as the day goes on. Not painful, just sore, because nothing beats having someone else move your joint in a way it doesn't want to. Yes, it NEEDS to move that way, but it doesn't mean I like it. And I haven't really used my shoulders since, oh...August.

I do have a lot to think about the next several months. I was told by the doctor to never do any pressing movements again. No chest press (flat or incline), no push-ups and no shoulder press. Which means I'll never be able to do jerks or long cycle. I can demo them. I cannot do them. I did show him video of snatches, and he said if it's absolutely necessary that I do them, I can, it'll just cause everything to wear out at a much faster rate. I've been joking I'll treat my refurbished shoulder like a rental car since it'll be replaced in about a decade anyway, but I'm not sure giving up time is worth it. Nothing will be as "good" as what I have now, and is only getting 10 years out of it better than 15? I'm not sure. Are those 5 years worth competing? Maybe. Only time will tell. Then again, will I regret not competing and sitting on the sidelines forever? There is no clear cut answer.

Here's the stupid shoulder. Top Left: back side of the tear; that thing that looks like a chunk to the left of the tube is he tear. Top Right: not sure, but there's a lot going on. Bottom Left: all that white furry stuff is the nice protective coating, it looks a little worn, but it's still pretty white. Bottom Right: the top of my humerus where you can see the the bone is already exposed.

At this point I'm just stuck in no man's land. My shoulder is very crunchy sounding still with certain movements, and it's just unsettling. It sucks. Sucks like "up shit creek without a paddle". I keep thinking maybe I'll do snatch only next year and compete twice next year at nationals and worlds then "retire", but part of me is very nervous. It's always a risk training for something, but even more so now. My physical therapist thinks it's entirely possible to compete again, we need to get all of the muscles in and around the shoulder to fire completely and without any hitches. We'll see what the next 10 weeks of rehab work brings.