Searching my way to perplexion

The shittiest thing of all when it comes to my shoulder is that I now have to have yearly check ups with my orthopedist to go over my shoulder health. Which is always a fun time. The last time I went in, he brought in two other doctors to listen to his spiel of telling me what I can and cannot do, and that while I am his "most ambitious" patient, I am also the most stubborn and willing to tear my freshly fixed shoulder back apart. Nothing like being a 30-year old woman getting chastised like a little kid. With an audience.

It also means that having been prescribed Celebrex for my arthritis, I also HAVE to go in for a yearly physical complete with bloodwork to make sure it's not killing me. Well, not really, it's to make sure the long term use of an anti-inflammatory isn't negatively affecting my kidney function. This is always a crappy time for me, because I have pretty bad white coat syndrome and I HATE medical needles. So while I know with the orthopedist I'm just going to get yelled at, my BP is normal. At the regular doctor knowing I have to get blood drawn, it skyrockets. But I do check my BP at home, and I'm normal.

I'm pleased to report that my bloodwork results designate me as normal. My old lady pills haven't done anything other than keep me from feeling like an old lady! I take a multi-vitamin, Celebrex and glucosmine chondroitin, and they do all help, but I also try not to take the old lady ones every day. I usually don't take anything Saturday or Sunday so I don't get too used to them. So the big deadlift sessions I do on Saturdays are done straight up on my old lady shoulder. Do I notice a difference? Yes, a little, but more so when it comes to post-workout. I feel less sore in my joints, my muscles still get sore.

Anyway, as you can see below, I am perfectly "normal"!

I know I'm with 'em but I ain't like them!

Piggy back onto the last post.

One of the biggest mental hurdles of a long term injury is dealing with changes in your physical appearance. Believe it or not, not being able to do anything overhead (other than snatches) or any chest work has a negative affect on the waist line. It's hard to deal with. Especially being in a position I'm in with the gym. It makes you really have to focus on your diet.

Which of course brings me to my next problem. I love to lift heavy shit. I'm no longer looking to be my old fight weight. Heavy lifting = hungry. I can honestly say that I feel about as strong as I did before surgery. I can deadlift the same, my squat isn't quite where it was but it's coming along, and all other accessory lifts are where they were. I'm training more abs and core than I used to as well, so even though I had more muscles showing, I sure as shit wasn't as strong. And I can still run a 5k, albeit a minute slower per mile, I can still do it. The only thing I really shy away from is rowing (on a rower, not like dumbbell rows - those I love). I had a cortisone shot back in October of last year, and while I know rowing wasn't the cause of my problems, it was the last exercise I did before the cortisone wore off and I had excruciating pain. So I don't row.

Power Belly for the Win!

What is my point exactly? Last year at Nationals I weighed in at an even 53kg (116lbs) fully clothed, without trying. My fight weight was 102/105. While I looked great, it was awful to maintain. I am currently between 118-122. That's the most I've weighed since Doug and I got married. I can say that even though I'm the heaviest I've been in 7+ years, I am also the strongest I've been yet still have endurance. While it is hard to get past that I may "ride a little dirty" with a slight belly, eff it. I'm at a point now where I'm more concerned with how strong I am, being thankful for the exercises and things I can still do, and simply enjoying the process and journey. Don't get me wrong, I still kinda sort of count my macros, but I don't sweat anything that slips in my diet.

For reference, here are my squat and deadlift weights at each phase:

• 102-110lbs body weight: squat = 145, deadlift = 175
• 112-116lbs body weight: squat = 165, deadlift = 185
• 118+ body weight: squat  = 200, deadlift = 215

I think that says enough. Did I mention I can still run and sprint? And am getting very close to testing myself on a 10:00 set of snatches? Ok, it's only on the 8kg, but I gotta start somewhere.

Nationals last year. Last fight weigh in and face punch.

I guess my moral of today's story is this: figure out your goals and have fun reaching them, be happy with what you can do, and don't stress so much on how you look. And have a damned cookie or donut once in a while, it won't kill you and maybe it'll help you reach a PR on a lift or a run.

Or you laugh hoping for an escape

Being injured for an extended period of time is hard. It's hard both physically and mentally. In a sense, being injured does help you realize how tough you are and can be. Rehab exercises can be mentally draining and the repetitive nature of them makes you want to scream. At least once a week I wish I could be done with them, but I know I never will be and that as much as I sometimes hate them, I need them.

Another plus, it puts you more in tune with your body. I woke up last week feeling unbelievably fatigued and unmotivated. My squats at 135 last week felt heavy. Hell, my deadlifts at 95lbs felt like 200. I lifted Monday and Tuesday, and then rested pretty much all week other than my rehab exercises. I've been working my ass off on regaining a lot of lost strength, and my body simply needed a rest. And that's ok. You can't PR every week. I also inflamed my bursa which felt awful, but nothing some ice and rest couldn't help.

It's also a mental game and at times, a complete mental mindf$ck. Sometimes my shoulder will pop so hard I have to sit down. It doesn't hurt per se, but it's startling. It makes a "da-dunk-dunk" sound akin to driving over railroad tracks. In everything I do, I wonder what affect it has on my shoulder. With the Glenoid Dysplasia being degenerative in its nature, and adding in all the things I do, I often wonder what exactly am I doing to my shoulder? Am I tearing the cartilage again? Am I creating more bone spurs? What about the bone on bone wear I already have? How long do I have before I need this one replaced? It's hard not to think about it. More often than not, I acknowledge it, make sure what I'm currently doing isn't causing any pain or discomfort, if it is I fix it or stop doing whatever it is, and then go about my business.

I still have a hard time coming to terms with certain things. Like not doing push-ups. EVER. Yeah, I can sorta do one to get off of the ground, and maybe demo one once in a great while. Burpees. Yeah, burpees. The things I would do to be able to do a burpee. Pretty much any "press" or "push" type movement is out of the picture, forever. Oh, me hitting the bag the other week? Terrible idea. It didn't hurt doing it, but the next day I felt like I'd been hit in the back and shoulder blade region with a baseball bat. Those sprawls I did last Friday? That was incredibly dumb. Felt the shoulder bones clang together. Really, I did, and it was gross. But, I have come to terms that my shoulder, lats and pec will be tight forever. That I will need to do soft tissue work before and after every workout, and I will need to ice everything several times a week forever. I will say, any soreness I have now is mostly muscle related, not in the actual joint anymore.

The downside, if you call it that, is I am incredibly apathetic to excuses or lack of not wanting to do certain exercises. (For those of you who I know are truly injured, this doesn't pertain to you.) Until you literally cannot do something for the rest of your life, you'll never know how much you'll miss it. It makes me angry when people don't try and jump straight to the word "CAN'T". "CAN'T" shouldn't in your vocabulary unless there is something terribly wrong. In that case, physical therapy or getting a doctor's opinion may be a wiser choice than pushing through a workout. For perspective, I completed a biathlon set last August on a torn, bone on bone shoulder. Was it smart? Decidedly not. Did I know the severity of my injury? No. Was I too damn stubborn to quit? Yes. I set out to prove only that I could do it for MYSELF, no one else. I knew going into the competition that my shoulder was jacked up and I likely wouldn't be lifting for a long time, so I made damn sure it couldn't and that I wouldn't set the bell down - the only way that thing would leave my hands early is if I dropped or lost it. Of course not realizing that I still wouldn't be able to do a serious kettlebell sport set a year later. Maybe I'm tougher than most, maybe that's from fighting or not being babied growing up. I'm not saying work through terrible injuries - you need to know your limits - but if possible, TRY. Giving up without TRYING or because you are unable to complete an exercise in it's proper form YET is only cheating yourself. And remember, YET is far different than CAN'T.

There are a ton of exercises I hate, but I do them, or I did some them when I was able. You'll never know how much you'll miss doing a certain movement until you really cannot do them ever again.